happy new year, or let's drive this car!

i'm full of vim and vinegar that this year will be different - this year will be better. it's not that 2015 was terrible, but it passed too quickly and without reflection, without direction. i reacted more than i instigated. i felt depleted and didn't 'do' dunn-dufault day, the advent calendar, and lots of other things that just fell to the wayside without my effort. maybe i wanted family members to realize how much work i do, or maybe i wanted family members to take ownership of these celebrations. whatever. the year was a (non-documented) failure in family memories. well, this is pepper's last year of pre-adulthood. i'm getting back in the driver's seat.

that said, i did drive our new year's celebrations: a night of pina coladas, 'pub' food (all apps like wings, fries, spring rolls, mini-quiche, sausage rolls, bruschetta, fancy olives, pinwheels) and bad, bad movies (on purpose)

we watched 'Attack of the 3-Headed Shark', the original 'Reefer Madness', 'Sharknado', 'Mommie Dearest', 'Pootie Tang' clips, and finished with the remake of 'Reefer Madness'.

committed

many years ago, I read an anthology of stories written by men about marriage. there was one in particular that stayed with me. I have turned it over in my mind, and brought it up in conversation many times since. finally I've been able to find this out-of-print book and reread this story that meant so much to me.

so, here's a few things that immediately come to mind:

• I added details that didn't exist at all, using a net as the metaphor of a marriage growing with the couple as time progresses. the author never said net, he said vessel.
• I remembered (correctly) the author stating he used his parents marriage as a template and it was the first time I thought about our own lack of templates, and how maybe the lack of role models may have helped our marriage since we had fewer unspoken, and unrecognized, expectations
•  I remember, at the time of reading, recognizing the truth of your spouse's family becoming as important and loved as your nuclear family. it's a gift of marriage that no one really speaks about, or maybe I thought it was simply lip service: stay married long enough and the blood boundary dissolves entirely. it's a message that I heard clearly when, at a friend's mother's funeral, I overheard my friend's husband tell another friend that marrying into this family was the best thing that ever happened to him.
• my takeaway, that a marriage continues to grow to fit in children and career and conversations, and even the deaths of loved ones was still the main message of the story but perhaps I saw the death component as something that 'proved' both the idea of in-laws becoming your real family and the way a marriage grows bigger to fit whatever comes at it. this time, I read it with the sadness of inevitably that this vessel will fill with this sombre weight; death comes for us all.
• I remembered that when I first read the story, it was the first time it occurred to me that my worries and fears about my loved ones would only increase as I aged, and my loved ones aged, and more were born into the world.  it was the exact thought that went through my head after rob came home to tell me someone had died and, in the moments between confirmation that it wasn't my mother but before the person's name was revealed, I saw a crowd of people in my mind - all precious and loved and suddenly vulnerable. and I realized, both recognizing and remembering this story, that a dozen new people had been added to my loved ones list.  i had no way to guarantee their safety, and the depth of my worry would continue to widen.

 I loved the story then. and I still think it's an honest piece of writing with much value in rereading. It's short enough and I'm tempted to write the whole thing out in this blog, but I'm certain that would be breaking copyright law. the author is Colin Harrison and the piece is called Incision.

hell day

i could write pages about hosting teenage boys from spain and france - walking out of the shower to alexandre's scooter face plant, the nasty tricks they played on bosco, their insolence and their internet use... but the last day was the last straw.
i am NEVER hosting with gayle & co again

alexandre & david

ah, there was a time...

...when my little girl still looked like my little girl...

costume construction

and if i was a good mom/wife, i'd have continued documenting rob's progress on bosco's costume...
BUT
i am not.
i am tired.  i cannot do everything that needs to be done.  i can't find my camera or, when i do, the batteries are dead.  i am a miserable failure at keeping on top of my life *

*written and posted on january 1st, 2014 after a full day and evening of loading photos and comments onto this blog and i'm only up to october...  sigh

pepper

   although the date says march - i'm actually typing this at the end of 2013.  and i'm looking at my daughter's beautiful eyes.
eyes i haven't seen in what i would have said years - but this photo reminds me that it wasn't that long ago that her mascara and eyeliner wasn't caked 2 inches thick

i miss her.

regrets, i've had a few

but then again...too few to mention

actually every regret that came up while in NYC turned into a positive as the trip wore on:

• at the last moment i removed the umbrella from my luggage (afterall, we were already bringing rain coats) then it POURED buckets on our last full day.  oh well, an umbrella on the street costs only $5 and vendors simply appeared when it rained
• i loaned pepper my MEC travel purse as a handfree way to carry day-to-day stuff and brought a large, black, over-the-shoulder purse for myself (lots of room to carry everything)  ugh - the thing dragged me down and it felt dowdy in trendy nyc.  oh well, i pared down my supplies and switched to pepper's purse
• so now my next regret was that i brought an unnecessary bulky purse.  ha! that dowdy purse is thick leather and held out the rain - so i switched again (i've always made fun of people taking multiple bags/purses.  now i see their point)

journal

i've written in a journal, on and off, since i was in highschool.
it was all about love back then.  secrets and love

then there's my journals filled with the sadness of not being able to conceive - watching my sister-in-law grow a baby-bump while pretending i was doing fine.  those journals turn to hope and elation when i'm finally pregnant, documenting all the wonders and worries.
and my baby journals - each birth story, each anecdote, a mother's gushing love

in 2006, i started an electronic journal.  mostly i write about distressing things: fights i'm in the midst, hurts that i'm reliving, things i'm trying to think thru to find my next step.

with dunn-dufault day coming up, i went back to my electronic journal to print our 2010 goals and noticed i've written only one entry since last year.  about the HS group (of course!) but it was brief, after the fact, and almost like i 'had' to catch my journal up, like an old friend wants to hear the news.
i switched things up that stressful/hurtful time.  i spoke up, instead of pouring my pain on to a journal page.
i spoke to people in person, and on the phone.
i yelled a bit.
i wrote here.  i know i was heard (read).  it was cathartic.

anyhow, with my new found voice, it seems my electronic journal is no longer necessary.  so this is as good a place as any to house our D-D Day goals.  i'll be posting them next week.

i sing

last fall, i went to a choir rehearsal out of sheer polite-ness.
it was a wednesday and the only day of my week not filled with activity - the children and rob would be at karate and i could have 2 blissful hours to myself where i could unwind, maybe plan and/or mark some homeschooling work, maybe go grocery shopping.  it was going to be ME time.  so i went to the rehearsal with the full intention of saying: thank-you, but no time.

well -
i forgot how much i love to sing.
not because i sound good (i don't - my children will attest to that!), or because someone might say: i like that.  i sing because it makes me happy.
so i joined that choir.  and i've gone every wednesday.

tonight we had our first performance.
a little nerve-wracking... i still prefer to sing for the simple joy of it..
but if i track my children's progress in their activities - be they scouts or piano or cadets or karate or school - and cheer on their successes, then why shouldn't they witness the simple blooms in my life.

myc - again

another year of MYC, another end-of-year concert.
this is bosco's 3rd year, so he's a pro by now.

but what a disappointment when we entered the room -
for the concert, this ridiculous keyboard:      !

every year, for the past 6 years, the concert has been held at the salvation army citadel in their main room with a beautiful grand piano.
~ where young musicians can hear their hard work in the best tones possible ~
this cheap, tinny piece-of-crap was an insult to the $700 plus each family has paid for their child's musical education.  i pitied the graduating students who may have invited friends or grandparents to see their big moment.
one child accidentally hit the 'song' button and the room filled with beethoven's fur elise (which didn't even sound that good, but still served as a reminder that nothing we'd hear today would compare)

one good thing?
it made our new (digital - sigh, a baby grand would be divine but where-oh-where to put it?) piano sound like a million bucks.  or at least three thousand bucks.

evidence

fact:
my family talks.
alot.
to each other... about each other...

so when pepper won an essay/story competiton at school, and her entry advanced to the provincials, news spread quickly...
nanny phoned.
auntie allie im-ed.
and today a card from auntie adele arrives that literally sings (kool & the gang) "celebrate good times - c'mon"


fact:
my family has the most supportive bunch of people you could ever find.
e.v.e.r.

fact:
i love my family

what the rich* are doing these days

*that would be us, the newly-minted dunn-dufaults

my mother thinks we have secretly won the lottery.
i'm serious.
she has taken pepper aside and asked her: "Did your mommy & daddy win the lottery and they aren't telling anyone yet?"
. . .
rest assured, mom - we have not been been keeping secrets from you :)
but i have been keeping hoards of money.  ok, not hoards.  but sums.
you see, i am a saver
a saver of the rainy-day type...  actually rainy days
i have numerous savings accounts: one for our next new car ($500 goes in there monthly), one for our extravagant twice-in-a-lifetime trips (every baby bonus and child benefit has gone in there), one for our vacations (rob's bonuses and tax refund cheques go in there), and one is a simple miscellaneous savings account - because sometimes you just can't categorize, and yet i still feel the need to keep saving for that dreaded rainy day...

so these 'sums' have been accumulating.
some over years.
meanwhile, i've had a reverse in my thinking - as in: what the heck am i saving for?
as in: when do i get to spend it? 
as in: what i am waiting for?
as in: sometimes a habit is just that - a habit.  and now that our mortgage is paid, shouldn't i release those fears of unemployment and homelessness and financial calamity?

so, last summer we let the purse strings go and spent all of rob's (unexpected, massive) bonus on a kitchen reno and updated furniture for our living room.   now the most commonly used area of our home is new, and fresh, and ahhhhh - lovely

and then we booked a holiday out west at a boutique dude ranch where, i guess, we'll be hob-nobbing with the real rich because the old me would never have looked into it, let alone afford it.

in all likehood, we'll be buying fierce a new piano later this month.  the only thing slowing us down is where to place it.

and our new fancy-shmancy treadmill (complete with internet access!) arrived today.


look at that stride!
(oh yes, we're converting our guest room into an exercise room.  and we're converting the playroom into a guest room)


yup -
this is our year of being rich
saying 'yes'
living it up

what it means to me to be rich*

today pepper's basketball practice was cancelled and - since ep & sf had done their paper route at lunchtime in prep for ep's late afternoon - we found ourselves with some unanticipated family free time.. time we could spontaneously fill with a round of bowling and dinner at McD.  
that's what being rich* means to me - spending $45 without advancing planning, or extended fretting over the high cost of shoe rental (ok, i used a coupon at McD; old habits die hard)

other things that have suddenly gotten easier for me:
fundraising efforts
my former self railed against these rip-offs.  using children to advance company's profits.  guilting relatives into buying from your child (except, then you have to reciprocate and buy from their child, so it really ends up you paying for the whole case of girl guide cookies)
now i can buy that popcorn, that box of chicken, that what-ever.  my hand freely flows over the chequebook while my mind is elsewhere.
arcades
i used to usher the children quickly past the cineplex arcade saying what a waste of money that place was.  well, earlier this month, for the first time, i took them to the arcade on purpose (it was another afternoon/evening where we found ourselves with some unanticipated free time and i wanted to make some family memories)
and guess what?  tokens are 3 for a $1 - and that's what the dance-dance-revolution machine took per player.  pepper and i spent a grand total of $4 playing 2 games each.  we worked up a sweat, we laughed a whole bunch, and - even for my former miserly self - it was a cheap outing.
exercise decisions
i bought an elliptical machine off kijiji for $100 last year with the idea that i'd save $5.25 everytime i used it and didn't go to the west end gym.  so within 2-3 months, i'd easily recuped my costs, but i still felt guilty for indulging myself at the gym with it's weights, and treadmills and thick (ahhhh) mats.  2 weeks ago, i showed up at the gym with a 20 and took my change without a glance.  the cost has gone up to $6.25 (i think) and i didn't bat an eye.

*ok, i know i'm not really rich.  but, for me - someone who has always counted her pennies, and budgeted every expense - not having a mortgage means a HUGE amount of financial freedom.  so i feel rich, i really do.

highschool musings

pepper and i attended an educational fair tonight.  it's open to students in grades 7 to 12 so it was our first time, and we just a look-see to see what was on offer. 
we skipped the universities (way too early to think of that!) and focused on actual jobs/careers, mentoring, and apprenticeships.  pepper has such a rich creative side, so we tried to talk to people that represented creative industries like an interior designer and a radio show rep (where they create their own commercials!)

it's interesting to note that elementary students are simply told where they will go next - like an assembly line in a factory.  meanwhile, students can request attendance at a different high school. 
and i think pepper would benefit from attending a strong arts high school.  naturally she'll take all the science and maths courses that will keep her options open, but - for her - art needs to be more than a high school band, one fine art teacher, and the hope of goofing off for one class a day.  highschool's the perfect time to explore art more deeply.  (plus, even the extracurricular opportunities must be richer and more enticing)

so pepper will use the next year and a half to think about what type of highschool she'll thrive in.  and she'll choose where to go - not be told.  it's great practise for the future when she'll turn that same analytical eye to college/university choice.

as prep work, we'll be attending the highschool drama productions to see how many supports and resources are available.  tomorrow, we're off to see the wizard of oz at GCVI.  so far, i'm impressed that they've already got a show ready to go, and it's only mid-november.  surely that demonstrates dedication.

and what's in that bag?

...well, what else could it be if:

1. it's in pepper's room
2. pepper has just started grade 7
3. it's a La Senza bag

yes, my little girl is firmly placing a foot toward womanhood with her request for a bra.  it's the first time the line: but mom, everyone in my grade has one has worked on me (granted, it's also the first time she's used that line)

of course i advised it was nothing but a cage for breasts... but i easily acquiesced and off we went: a girly adventure to the mall.  and, as i helped her choose (not the bright pink one - it will show through your clothes and folks will know you've only got 2 bras... not that one with cups - they aren't comfortable, and if you get big like auntie net-net you'll be sorry you never had a chance to wear this more relaxed style) and as i went in the changeroom with her... i couldn't help but be thankful that we were doing this together.  with no embarrassment, no resentment.  she may be yearning to enter her teen years but for now we talk, we laugh, we share.

i've always known that having a daughter lets me relive my memories, and now i see it can rewrite those memories too, heal them.  she asked.  i heard her.  i helped.

the memory of her first bra will be a happy one,
for both of us 

(stuff i notice)

while making a stop at a roadside corn stand, i saw an unleashed dog resting outside the door of a cafe.  to be honest, i'm sort of nervous of large dogs and made a wide berth as i entered a neighboring store.  fierce did the same as he followed, but on our way out i was surprised to see him approach the dog, extend his hand - palm down - and let the dog smell him.
wow -
this is new for him

one uphill battle in the never-ending war

this is what pepper wants:
(a cookie cutter to make mini punch-out sandwiches)
 

this is what she does to retrieve it...
(understandable, except that was a full 4 hours ago)
 

this is pepper reflecting on why she can't tidy her own messes
(to sum her note up: she forgot)
 

and this is one small corner of the world righted
(now on to the next battle...)